i weep to see myself cry, i cry to see myself sob, i sob to see myself ache

ebony jewel

Thu, 26 Jun 2008 01:57:19 GMT

You're a dark jewel
sparkling in the night
winking
taunting me to come closer.
Exotic you are,
a mystery to my senses,
inviting and frightening
close to taboo.
Take my hand and lead me,
divine wonders await.

(04-12-08)

electric blue

Thu, 06 Dec 2007 04:29:39 GMT

electric blue static
slowly pours
into the void
dimensionless and lonely
tingles lightly
smooth to the touch
expands
decompresses
creates the nothingness
we call something
with a menthol cool accent
it slides across your tongue
to taste your lips

(9-3-07)

abstract love poem

Thu, 06 Dec 2007 04:26:45 GMT

green jade silent stream
flows into a calm blue pond
and I think of you swimming towards me
through an ocean of desire
on a wave of longing
my heart floats when i hear your name
echo in the cavern of my mind
my atoms will you to be real
and I wake up knowing you are
almost to me
slowed by measured action
I will wait

(9-3-07)

night

Thu, 06 Dec 2007 04:22:53 GMT

the night wraps you
in velvety arms
star strewn pillows
cradle your weary head
whispers echo in the distance
pale words fall from lover's lips
and we fall into darkness
embraced in chaos

(9-3-07)

surprise party

Thu, 06 Dec 2007 04:20:08 GMT

Well you were a surprise
I can honestly say
without doubt
or uncertainty
I didn't see you coming
but wow am I glad you arrived
just in the nick of time
to extract me from the mundane,
the boring,
the without excitement,
humdrum,
been there, done that
daily toils
of consistent and predictable
monotony
that had become existence.
Now I can live
and enjoy every second
being pleasantly surprised.

(2-24-07)

baby blues

Thu, 06 Dec 2007 04:14:42 GMT

Those piercing blue eyes
set in that fair face
look through me
through the ether
to see my coveted soul.
You smile lights my fire
creating a brilliant flash of warmth
in my cold, private depths
and I carefully put those tiny moments away,
Store them up for another day
where the thought of you,
the vision of you,
your smell, your touch, your music
reinvigorate me.
When the weight of the world
has gotten me down,
only you have the power to save me
save me from myself
and remind me of who I really am
When I get lost
in who I want to be.

(2-18-07)

rematch

Thu, 06 Dec 2007 04:08:24 GMT

Why can't i get what I want?
I only seem to get the things
I can live well enough
without.

Am I a victim of my fate
or merely someone who happened
to be
in the wrong place
at the wrong time?

Stop telling me to get over it. Stop
thinking that you know me. And stop
pretending that my troubles
affect you at all.

I guess it's official.
You won.
You always did have the lead, but
it was nice of you to pretend
otherwise sometimes.
I can't compete with you anymore,
You've surpassed me in every way.

Congratulations!

I want a rematch.

(2-16-07)

he...

Thu, 06 Dec 2007 04:03:17 GMT

he loves her
and my heart is broken
he can't live without her
and i want to die
he revels in her
and he laughs at me

how can i get over it
when i have nothing to replace it with?

how can i heal
when i get injured in a different way
every day?

how can i find peace
when all of you
have something to say about it
all the time?

(2-16-07)

i'm back!

Thu, 06 Dec 2007 03:58:45 GMT

sorry it's been so long folks...i have a back log of stuff i think i'll just dish out tonight
*********************************************************************************************

you sneak up on me
out of the shadows of my mind
a fleeting thought
a moment
gone quickly but the effects linger
i'm unable to catch you
and beat you out of my brain
i'm unable to prevent you
from invading
those blissful, happy moments
when i've forgotten
just a fleeting moment
is enough to ruin my day

(8-10-06)

just an excuse to show off new icons

Wed, 24 Jan 2007 04:18:54 GMT

I can hear you speaking from a distance. Cold whispers in a dark sky muffle your intentions. You shout at me but I can only hear you scream. Long wails cry out invitations to your lonely hearts club. Simple silence costs too much these days; well calculated chaos is much more the rage. We can't see the forest for all the smog and the pigeons don't fly there anymore. Gagged by your empathy you can't get your words out. You're trying to teach me but I wrote this lesson. Your notes are all wrong and you stumble around in front of me. I surprise you with my honesty; you surprise me with your ignorance. Is it easy being you? Is it easy shutting the universe out and dwelling completely in your own demented mind? Now you try to sing me praises so that I might let you out of your cage. Too bad I don't have the keys. You bore me. Give it up and go home because it's not going to happen.

(11-08-04)

randomness about my thermo dynamics professor

Mon, 22 Jan 2007 16:43:12 GMT

My mind goes blank with a dim awareness, sharpened by fuzzy logic and hot chocolate kisses. It doesn't make sense to me that someone so smart could be so dull; blunted by genius until he's as sharp as a fork. Like an eternal flame, alone in the darkness of the cosmos, I stand here amid a vast sea of hope and despair, each fighting to take the other down. I threw intellect into a life boat but forgot to grab some modesty for the ride. The cool darkness envelopes me and I float like a rose petal down the bubbling brook until I get to the sewer drain. When you walk down the street by candle light you see white shadows under a red moon. Cotton flowers dipped in blood stand along the sidewalk and smile as I go by, softly humming a dead song and swaying to the beat. Tribal drums pound away in the distance like rolling thunder from another star that shines green in the night sky. Low, rhythmic vibrations travel through me and I start to feel my mind slip away into sweet silence. History comes back to me in pieces of light and dark. Fragmented stories taped together with time, hung on the wall by cobwebs cry to be heard. The sweet nectar of decay stings my tongue and it burns going down, swirls in my stomach, runs down my leg, crawls up my arm and settles in my head. Twinkle, twinkle, little star, burn me with your cosmic rays. Distinguish me from my surroundings and tear me away from the TV. Poison me with love and understanding; spoil me with grief.

(10-11-04)
*****************
I think I had been trying to go somewhere specific with this but never got back to it. Maybe I'll finish it someday so it's not so WTF?!?!

birthday snow

Thu, 21 Dec 2006 19:28:37 GMT

girl brain

Tue, 25 Jul 2006 04:26:27 GMT

i have this creeping feeling that i've made it all up and that none of it
really exists but oh my god how amazing would it be if it were real
because everytime i think about it i get butterflys in my tummy and i want
to giggle.

part of me knows it feels so right and natural and then i start thinking
i'm just having a really good fantasy and my reality isn't nearly as
interesting....this damn girl brain is making me stupid.

The Things you say

Tue, 09 May 2006 16:06:19 GMT

"You don't matter"
you said to me
on the porch
of that house
we used to share

"I guess I'm just better at this"
also came out
of your mouth
and
"I must change faster"
was my favorite line
you said to me
that day.

It's almost a shame
that none of it is true
because you say it
with such conviction
like you actually believe it.

I just stood there
as you tried
to make me
feel small

because we saw
two different shades
of the same color
and why argue
over my self worth
since you never appreciated it anyway

You look at me through your glasses
tinted
with pity and contempt,
every morning
repeating your affirmations
that I don't affect you at all

but if everything you told yourself
and everything you told other people
were even remotely true
you wouldn't try so hard
to pretend
that you don't care

because you see
I do matter
and I always have
and I always will

and nothing you can do
or say
or write
or pretend away
or conspire against
or ignore
or fight
or distract yourself from
or smoke
or drink
or cast a spell against
or throw money at
or break
or donate
or abandon
or eat
or beat into a bloody pulp
or sell
or lie about
or pack in a box
or fuck
will ever change
my reality
of which you are no longer
a part

Believe whatever you need to
in order to survive
and I forgive you
for getting it
wrong.

(05-07-06)

i am my own worst enemy

Tue, 11 Apr 2006 00:15:58 GMT

ever notice that when we're feeling good we go do something that we know will bring us down but we do it anyway because we feel like we're stronger and better and can handle it this time

and maybe it doesn't bring us down as far as it did in the past but it still drags us down and makes us feel sorry for ourselves and stupid for even going there in the first place and hoping no one will find out we did it

but we always tell someone we did it because we think it will go away if we tell someone, but it doesn't...we suffer regardless because it was just too good to be true that we might actually be having a good day for once...and confessing never absolves you of the sin of trying to be a victim of your own hurt because you're not actually doing penance for your feelings, you're just checking in to make sure you still feel because sometimes the numbness is insane

it's like when you poke a bruise just to make sure it still hurts...and the pain makes you remember how you got the bruise and how badly it hurt then, just like it hurts now that you messed with it...but if you don't remind yourself you have a wound you won't notice when you heal and feel like you've accomplished something and put it in your past...because you did it all on your own and no one can help you heal like you can help yourself

and our wounds never stay in the past like we plan but keep resurfacing because we keep poking them so they never heal in peace...we can't help it because we like to feel busy and in control and we're impatient for all of our bruises and scars to fade away into oblivion but no matter how much cream we use our scars will always be there, reminding us of how badly we were hurt and how that has changed us, for better or worse

they say time heals all wounds but we never feel like we have the time it's going to take to heal all of our wounds so we walk around slightly damaged all the time...and people can tell

(04-10-06)

that ride

Wed, 08 Mar 2006 20:37:28 GMT

You call that crazy roller coaster you're on
the one with all the drops
and loop-de-loops
your life.
You gotta buckle up real tight
so you don't fall out
when things get upside-down.
You're sitting in the front car
but you can't see what's coming next
and everyone sitting behind you is screaming.
Let's hope they're having fun.
Does this thing have brakes?
I want to get off.
I think I'll walk home,
roller coasters just aren't my thing.

(02-27-06)

angry at you

Wed, 08 Mar 2006 20:33:31 GMT

When I think about you
I get angry.
When I hear about you
I get angry
When I talk to you
or see you
or feel you
or know that you exist
I get angry.
Angry because you made me ache.
Angry because you seem happy,
happier than when we were together.
Angry that it ended with a whimper
and not a bang.
I'm angry because I loved you
and angry because you left.
I spend my days being angry
and most of my nights.
I waste my time being angry.
I kill my time being angry.
I spend my time being angry.
Angry at you
but I won't be angry forever,
you're not worth forever,
only just a little while.

(02-22-06)

***********************

ok so no wonder where that came from if you follow the life and times of atomicscooby and i haven't been honest with most of you about what's going on so if you want to know e-mail me with specific questions and i'll share my story.

in a flash

Sat, 28 Jan 2006 04:00:18 GMT

You can't touch me
I'm on fire
hot
electric
like lightning
and quick like a bunny
too speedy for you
I'm fast baby
no one sees me coming
but they miss me when I'm gone.

(1-11-06)

the pleasure is all mine

Sat, 28 Jan 2006 03:57:44 GMT

oh my god!
baby,
you are adorable!
so cute,
so funny,
charming in every way.
there has to be a catch.
oh well,
i'll take the chance,
the pleasure is...
all mine.

(01-06-06)

sorry it's been so long

Sat, 28 Jan 2006 03:54:20 GMT

You can't know where you're going, only where you've been and an approximate direction for where you'd like to go. You don't know whether the road will be rough or if you'll have smooth sailing or if the weather will be favorable for your journey or if you'll get a storm of biblical proportions. Maps tend to be inaccurate or incomplete. Is it really the destination and not the journey? Doesn't the journey count for something since it's the experience that really matters? Are you even headed in a specific direction or do you wander aimlessly about, groping blindly in the dark until you encounter something solid? Is "your path" more like a mere suggestion than a paved road? There's not really any marking differentiating it from the scenery but it just looks vaguely more inviting. Is it the path of least resistance? The only way we can go period? Is everything so carefully calculated, the details so perfectly accounted for, all the elements in perfect balance and harmony it resembles chance and coincidence? If everything is laid out before us, how come it's so hard to make decisions? And how come we always feel so lost?

(01-05-05)

just a little something...

Sat, 24 Dec 2005 04:18:30 GMT

the road to nowhere
begins here
right in the thick of things.

(12-23-05)

just like a girl

Sat, 24 Dec 2005 04:16:07 GMT

twisted?!
of course it's twisted!
what did you expect?!
my mind is a labyrinth;
a complex maze
filled with dead ends, booby traps, and bottomless pits.
i am just a girl after all.

(12-23-05)

memory lane

Sat, 17 Dec 2005 04:41:53 GMT

A trip through time,
backwards,
lands you in a familiar setting.
Been there.
Done that.
The moment has past.
We always know what's going to happen
but we still go back,
just to remember.

(12-16-05)

my question

Fri, 09 Dec 2005 05:39:48 GMT

I
HAVE
NO
IDEA
WHAT
TO
DO
NEXT

WHERE
DO
I
GO
FROM
HERE?

ANYWHERE.

(12-08-05)

i ran out of breadcrumbs

Thu, 08 Dec 2005 21:17:01 GMT

I have no idea
how I ended up here,
no clue
that I would someday
somehow
find myself in this position,
looking around
at nothing familiar
though I've seen it all before.
I don't think my map was wrong,
I just wasn't paying attention.
It's too late to stop
and ask for directions,
gotta pick a new path to follow,
I just can't sit still.

(12-08-05)